Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll

   People wearing neckbraces should wear a t-shirt explaining why.

   I don't smoke pot. But hang with people who do. They have great snack ideas, and if you're broke, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal. If all they're stoned, just start talking about pizza, or fried chicken. Snack time!

   To avoid condom related accident, use 2 condoms with chili powder in btwn them, if outer breaks she'll know & if inner one breaks U'll know!

   ■“'OMG ARE YOU OK?” ‘Oh yeah I'm fine, I Just like bleeding for fun.'

   My idea of artificial intelligence is where the Porn tab changes into the Google tab the moment someone knocks on the door

   yes I am embarrassed of certain things I did in my past.....you reminding me wont really hurt me any more then it already did, pain is gone only scars left and those dont hurt just reminder , I DON'T NEED YOU TO REMIND ME

   I heard sex at age 90.....is like trying to shoot pool with a rope

   Dear birds who so graciously woke me before my alarm clock did.... F-CK YOU!!

   typed "X-men" into a google image search and didn't quite get the result I wanted.... Who the heck is this Wolvarine guy anyway?

   What's with all those sub categories in facebook's relationship status option? For example...what's a Domestic Partnership? She vacuums while he dusts?

   Had a great weekend, now Monday just like always comes and steps in and ruins it

   Arch West, the creator of Doritos, has passed away at the age of 97. Do you think he'll have a triangle shaped tombstone???

   don't you just hate it when your mobile rings during a meeting and you have to wake up??!

   "Love is the more than the sum of yourself but rather the desire to be the sum of the person you love and yourself. It is far more rewarding to desire to do for the one you love more than you do for yourself."

   Did anyone else get prompted for payment for facebook?

   IF YOU COPY AND PASTE SOMEONE'S STATUS THAT IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS, OTHERS NEED TO BEWARE!!! YOU JUST FAILED THE SOCIAL MEDIA IQ TEST, YOU MORON. THIS INDICATES THAT YOU ARE NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK AND ARE MOST GULLIBLE AND PRONE FOR COMPUTER HACKING

   An average person thinks he isn't!!

   When we set our clocks back, will that effect "Hammer Time"?

   I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.