Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The Lord moves in mysterious ways" said Peter while Jesus did the moonwalk.

   I had a terrible dream last night. I was a baby and Dolly Parton was my mom and she bottle fed me.

   What are those small bumps around a woman's nipples? They are Braille for "s*ck here."

   I hear Putin is running again for Russian Presidency. But more importantly, how will this affect the Russian mail order brides??

   think of a number, double it, add six, half it, take away the number you started with, your answer is three

   The sad moment when you are playing hide and go seek.. you have the best hiding spot... you have to go pee

   I dont care if it is 5 min. till the bell.... I am packing up now !!!!

   am I the only one when my mom enters the room while I am on the computer, switch to goole and just stare at it?

   the akward moment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "I will survive".

   if you want to post akward moment jokes and not have it redirect spell "akward wrong"

   IF MYSPACE and FACEBOOK have taught me anything... It's that when I become rich and famous, dont let ANYONE touch whatever it was that brought me to that point.

   They say that the odds of the satellite hitting a human is HIGHER than winning the lottery... So what are the odds of winning the lotto, then walking outside and being hit by the satellite?

   What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

   69 - Some may call it nasty but I call it a romantic dinner for 2.

   You've been rejected more times than the Chinese guy that stands in the mall food court trying to hand out samples of bourbon chicken.

   "Hi Welcome to Starbucks!" "Yeaaah, I'll have a Café- Mocha Vodka-Marjiuana Latte to go please." Um Sir we don't have that" Oh I'm sorry I meant a Pumkin Spice Latte"

   How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

   Catholic." ... ... ... He says, "Yes, I'm single & Catholic!" The nun kisses the driver then asks why he is crying. I lied. I must confess I'm married & I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin & I'm going to a Halloween party!"

   Today in the car my nephews taught me that SlugBug and Perdidle weren't the only car ride punch games. There's also CruiserBruiser, RamBam, MustangBang, and ChevyShoves. So I made up the HumrBumr and the Haiyundai Chop. Uncles can do that you know.

   I won't ever drink nasty Pumkin Ale again. The taste makes me think of The Great Pumpkin standing at a urinal.