Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.

   Almost went to jail today, scared the crap out of me. Yeah, those monopoly games get pretty intense bro.

   No matter how funny you are, If I don't like you, I won't laugh.

   *Solution to fix the problems you have with the new Facebook setup* First click the down arrow upper right corner, then click "Account Settings", then go to "security", select "deactivate account", small form to fill out, then confirm. Then go outside.

   was all, "I'LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! YOU HEAR ME?!?" and she was like, "Ma'am, the dipping sauce is *under* your McNuggets."

   People will soon be saying "google plus me" instead of "facebook me" ... Smh

   ‎#1 Bullsht: It's NEVER too late... Well, sometimes IT IS too late. Call them lessons learned.

   If you judge a book by it's cover, you are likely going to miss out on a great story!

   I'm easily influenced... That's why I try not to watch too much porn

   We just got a new toaster...And of course my impatient a$$ bf would try n stick a knife inside of it to get the bread out...

   Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

   Q.) What's the speed limit of s3x? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

   Jeeze! You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore! FML!

   Wow The ones u'd take a bullet for are the ones holding the trigger!!

   Dear Facebook...All we asked for was a Dislike button.. Not more options on how to stalk people!

   Dude calls into work and says to the boss, 'I'm calling in sick', the boss says, 'how sick are you', dude says, 'I'm in bed with my sister, you be the judge'.

   If you wear diapers.. I'm pretty sure you're a liberal

   I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks.

   Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

   "You are very squishy. So I shall name you squishy. And you shall be my little squishy."