Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NASA says there is a 1 in 3000 chance debris from their satellite could hit someone. *Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony*

   I carry a diaper with me so I can hold it up and shout "excuse me, you dropped your adult diaper" when people cut in line.

   Never smoke weed and go to a Catholic Mass. It's a pretty long service, you'll get the munches, and end up trying to take communion like 6 times.

   Put on clean whitie tighties...Check. What other falling satellite preparations should I be making??.....

   I wonder if the people that voted for Obama are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol?

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   Your call to action went straight to voicemail.

   Now that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is repealed, is it okay to admit I like the song "Drops of Jupiter?"

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   if NASA scientists are so smart, why didnt they pay attention to physics...what goes up must come down

   Unfollow, Unfriend, & Delete are the Stop, Drop & Roll safety instructions when it comes to the internet's most annoying people.

   On a scale of 1-10 I give this day a middle finger

   Hey guy's, don't forget to clear your browser history every 5 minutes just in case that satellite hits you......

   hoping for the falling satellite to hit the entire cast of Jersey Shore.

   If Starbucks delivered, the world would be a better place!

   I just saw Tom from MySpace on Google +... You know the site sux when the sites creator hauls a$$!

   FYI - If you find bit of the satellite, you have to call the police and someone from NASA (prob Bruce Willis) will come over to collect it, apparently!......

   Real friends share the same enemies.

   Aaaaaahhhhhh.....Friday.....time for the Beer-Goggle Olympics. But be careful single peeps, 'cuz once the sun comes up, you COULD find yourself in a bad horror movie. WHOOP!! Have a GREAT weekend!!

   I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.