Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she's still wearing silly bands, she's to young for you bro.

   I don't mind coming to work… but this 8 hours wait is bulls#$%

   I could totally be on jeopardy, as an audience member...

   anybody else ever shave your balls and instantly regret it?

   one question: Exactly how long are your parents going to hide your acceptance letter from Hogwarts?

   u know you have drank to much vodka when you start speaking russian...

   i still dont know how to use the three seashells....

   I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

   Make your anger so expensive that no one can afford it and make your happiness so cheap that people can almost get it free.

   Too many people live for compliments, instead of accomplishments.

   I also read that sex is a form of communication. If that's the case… I'm frequently talking to myself

   Remember back in the day when you would make a collect call and try to yell the info to the other party before you were disconnected?

   Just watched the movie Scarface. I'm not one to judge, but if you use your entire hand to make the line you might have a drug problem.

   Dear Facebook, Every time I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her?" Mind your OWN Business!

   This new layout has me more confused than a cow on astroturf.

   Love doesn't cost a thing; except tears, a broken heart, wasted years and half your stuff.

   Love doesn't cost a thing... except tears, a broken heart, wasted time, and half ur sh!t.

   Where are all these hot women in actual real life that I see on facebook?

   Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.

   hates it when I get a chain letter/email and I die the next day.