Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?

   I used to hate going to family weddings. All my aunts uncles used to poke me and say, "You're next!" They stopped doing it when I'd say the same thing to them at funerals

   your always smiling while you play on the rain and frowning when you play in the sun.

   why have a guy with a six pack, when the guy with a keg brings the most fun?

   every 5 seconds somewhere on Earth a woman gives birth to a baby. We must find her and stop her.

   Obama has given a whole new meaning to the phrase: "Once you go black, you won't go back"

   Hey baby, whats your sign? Girl blushes and says: stop! Me: Oh, I thought it was slippery when wet.

   Today's tip: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! That is all.

   Who ever came up with the idea of oxygen bars is a genius! Getting rich by charging people to breath? Awesome!

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   FEMALE SHOP assistants. When a car mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed, and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

   i wish my shower at home had a knob for a "spot free rinse".

   what can I say? Life doesn't get much better than beer and pancakes after midnight :)

   "Women are such mysterious creatures. Beautiful unsolvable mysteries. Like them big alien crop circles........... but with nipples"

   I like Cee Lo's "Forget You," but it doesn't compare to N.W.A.'s "Forget Tha Police"

   Buying 12 cases of diet soda a week is defeating the purpose of diet soda

   I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

   The statement to th right is true..the statment to the left is false

   As I said before, I never repeat myself.

   We have all been walked on, taken for granted, forgotten, used and abused at some point in our lives. For the strong ones, life goes on, for the weak ones, life goes to waste.