Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its hard to understand someone who never explains.

   Experts say FREQUENT sex can reduce the chances of men developing prostate cancer. Ladies do your part in the fight against cancer.

   Procrastinate like there's several tomorrows

   "I'm fat!" "Me too!" "Thigh five"

   wondering if fat drug dealers sell diet coke

   I judge a hotel by the complimentary shampoo and conditioner.

   attention celebrities: if you don't want naked self-pics leaked out to the public, STOP TAKING THEM!! damn b!tch!z

   My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need. At least that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.

   Seriously, what are you expecting to happen when you take nude photos of yourself? Especially when you are a dumba$$ whose password is "12345"

   Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   Sueing White Castle because You are too fat to fit in their booths is like putting the gun in jail for shooting someone. Sit in a chair instead! I <3 White Castle!

   there's a difference between smelling good and smelling like you marinated yourself in perfume.

   The main difference between The North and The South is, that in The North, "Blow Pop" is a noun, not a verb.

   Weekend's coming up. What do you say we surf the real world?

   I don't mind when older folks decide to relax and slow down. I just wish they wouldn't do it in their cars.

   Remember that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.

   I love food samples. I hate the whole routine that comes after: pick up the product, nod, all while having no intention of buying it.

   This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.

   There's a reminder on my calendar for tomorrow that inexplicably just says "LEOPARD". This has been bothering me all month.

   It's normal to have a breakfast chat alone in your kitchen with the ghost of Nell Carter, right?