Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mosquito season is here. Put a fabric softener dryer sheet in your pocket to keep those pesky critters at bay. Even if it doesn't work, the Skeeters will be velvety soft and attain an April Fresh scent.

   What are you doing here? Was there a jailbreak at the zoo?

   I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

   "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja

   The NFL post game show is the male version of The View.

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.

   God grant me the strenghth not to throat punch anyone taday, Amen!

   ive heard the old saying that "opportunity is just around the corner" but sometimes a hooker is around that corner so is the hooker your opportunity?

   I dont need anger management classes. You need STFU classes

   Just washed down a multi vitamin with a corona.

   Am I weird because, I'm just sitting in my boat drinking a beer? Oh I forgot to mention the boat is in the driveway.

   People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

   "Common sense..its in high demand... And short supply"

   Sometimes you have to walk through a field of weeds to find the perfect marijuana.

   If your going to hit my car with your door, then stare at me like ur mind me..and I ask you if you have a problem, man up and don't walk away..Stupid 90 year old lady in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks...

   The cops knocked on my door today & told me that my dog attacked a man on a bike. I told them to quit lying. My dog don't own a bike!

   Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children

   Just saw a baby with a shirt that said, not everything stays in Vegas.

   I remember September 11th like it was only yesterday.