Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In memory of 9/11 I am teaching my kids the pledge of allegiance like everyone was taught when I was a kid

   Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

   A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP is born when the KING of mixed signals hooks up with the QUEEN of second thoughts.

   My father was right up there with Einstein in the Science department...She taught me all about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

   The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

   It's better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

   I hear that boxers don't have sex before a fight. I guess beating the crap out each other after sex would hurt their relationship.

   This is a fun place so whatever topic you bring up, no matter how sacred or taboo, it WILL be made fun of and ridiculed.

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   If there is no element of madness, then its not love.

   There can be sex with no relationship, but by god there can never be a relationship with no sex.

   Just because we don't know what name to call what we are to each other doesn't make what we have any less serious.

   Don't confuse being stupid with being in love. There is a huge difference.

   Teacher: What comes after 69? Smart-a$$ Student: Mouthwash.

   That rather uneasy moment when the person you hate is still breathing.

   Twinkle twinkle little snitch , mind your own business you nosey b*tch.

   4 out of 5 men prefer women with big asses. The 5th guy prefers the other 4 guys

   Next time you get a call on your cell and you dont know who it is, answer it.... 'hello, westwood sperm bank, you squeeze it - we freeze it' !