Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.

   Went to the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, the barber gave me a phone book to sit on.

   You know what my problem is?! People telling me what my problem is.

   If I would lose everything in a hurricane, tornado, flood... I know my friends would be there for me... then I would have lost nothing... everything else is just stuff... ~R~

   just saw where the movie "Ground Hog Day" is coming on tonight.. Oh.. Wait a minute.. That's President Obama's job speech.. sorry

   Being paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong

   Understand women?....I think it would be easier to drive to Hawaii.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   I can honestly say LinkedIn is the sh!ttiest dating site I have ever signed up for. All anyone ever wants to talk about is work.

   When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."

   Freud said "Love & work are the cornerstones of our humaness." I say it's love and that show "Pawn Stars".

   found out the hard way that his company doesn't celebrate National Speedo day...

   Cant wait till "National Balls Cancer Awareness Month" so I can confuse you ladies and talk about my cravings...

   Today i'm 31. That's like 80 in facebook years.

   I am a deeply superficial person with a profound understanding of all the world within the range of myTV remote control.

   The way my first love would just melt in my hands,with kisses so sweet,and open hearts full of delicious memories- yes even the decadent Bars that brought us together. Truth is you never forget your first love...especially when its Chocolate.

   Had to call 911 today. They asked what my emergency was, I said, I'm being raped and robbed at the same time. They asked where I was, I said, The Gas Station!

   "I think Pimples should be Cool...because if you rearrange the letters, you get Le Pimp" -Katt Williams