Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.

   Before you get married try walking with your partner through IKEA. If you don't end up in an argument, you're good to go.

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it's strapped to the top of someone's car.

   Due to the holiday my status will be closed... I Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.. Enjoy your day people!!

   Before you go on and say how glad and relieved you are that you dodged that bullet, make sure that the bullet is not saying the same thing.

   I ask Google the questions I'm too scared to ask other people.

   With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.

   Im gonna start my own all white rap group and call it "HWG".....Honkies With Gratitude

   ■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson

   All hot women should be seen in 3-D. That's my apartment #. 3-D.

   I would have much more respect for someone if they personally sh!t on my lawn rather than have their dog as an intermediary.

   If Morgan Freeman was smart then he would record himself giving his eulogy.

   They say you never forget your first love and it's true, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about beer.

   shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone.

   The best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The worst thing about the internet: - It's available to everyone.

   The later I get, the drunker it is.

   Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.

   My girl came down from taking a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my vajayjay in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The drain is clogged?"

   In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

   alright ladies! Lets sing a song! If you're drunk and you know it,c raise you shirt!