Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

   someone ended a tweet to me with "STFU." I've no doubt they were referring to St. Fu the patron saint of long mustaches.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   All of my old friends pretend to be content upon a shelf. They've all got little lives and little wives and little lies but little else.

   Here's to anyone who has had their heart broken by someone... they have never dated.

   You're the best part of my day

   I am just happy to be real, in a world that has gone FAKE.

   If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything...

   Dear huge spider that was in my shower, I'm sorry I killed you. The ugly fact of nature is I was just bigger than you. Had you been a hungry tiger...It would be me waded up in a kleen

   Your lips are tasting like Vodka and I just wanna get wasted.

   and God said, "Let there be Friday" ..and the devil said, "Let there be beer"

   Girl: oh sh*t you feeling real freaky so you brought whip cream cherries and the syrup Guy: no b*tch I just wanted a sundae!

   Facebook should change the status question from “What's on your mind?” to “What's your problem today?”

   Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.

   The Lord works in mysterious ways… Just like those road maintenance guys.

   Today, I found out that ‘Made in China' stickers are made in Korea. Mind = BLOWN!

   I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about kitchen knives.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me knives, and I didn't know what they were!

   Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix.

   You never see the guys putting big advertisement signs up on the highways