Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the public restroom is out of paper towels, I slap strangers on the back and tell them "good game" until my hands are dry.

   hates that epic fail of not removing a yoghurt top in one piece!

   Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did!

   "I enjoy short walks to the fridge" - Fat people personal ads

   Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA

   I should try my hand at high stakes poker because I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face when knowingly using an expired coupon.

   It's not that big women aren't attractive, I just don't think my pick up line could hold the weight.

   i just found a web site where you can see women with no clothes on not even underwear! brb!

   When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”

   Dear Hurricane Irene please spare all my friends that live on the east coast, my heart and prayers go out to them, but if you make land fall in the New Jersey shore area, please take Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore out to sea with you. Thanks' a bu

   I'm about to head to the bar and pretend to be blind so women will let me touch their faces.... good times...

   Did you hear? Hurricane Irene is going to slam into New York City like Lindsay Lohan slamming into the sidewalk in front of a nightclub.

   the worst part about volunteering at a multiple personality disorder meeting is the time it takes filling out all the name tags

   for your information, I only had 1 winekiller captain buzzcooler!

   The hurricane is losing strength, damn. I was hoping for a new boat in my front yard.

   Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

   Google refuses to give churches the same discounts as other non-profits. Apparently they believe in the separation of church and search

   Got my passport application forms back today. Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer!!!

   my smart phone is the dumbest in its class!

   How is being married like a hurricane? There is a lot of blowing at first, but sooner or later your gonna lose your house.