Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   thinking about seeing the movie Fright Night. It's filled with vampires, great jokes and hot girls in their underwear. Just like my mind

   Making someone shudder means you're either doing something very wrong or very right.

   My girlfriend asked me what I would do if she were to die. I told her I'd probably do 25 to life.

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   I may be a 32 year OLD man with a slight belly in just a dirty white T-shirt and Hanes boxer briefs, but when I'm on my patio having a smoke I pose like I'm in Calvin Klein Photo Shoot.

   If a lesbian c@ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people.

   Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.

   How is it that you can sue a cigarette company for cancer & Mcdonalds for getting fat, but you can't sue Budweiser for all the ugly people you've woke up next to?

   So why do people say they're speechless... And then give a speech?

   ..... Just heard that the Etch-a-Sketch art museum in DC was a total loss ...

   Why can't Chinese couples have caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a White!

   We've been duped. After all the books I've read, I can't believe it took me this long to realize they are all written with just 26 letters rearranged in different order. What a rip-off.

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   Fat girls think M.O.B stands for "McDonalds Or Burgerking"

   They have the cause of the earthquake narrowed down to either Obama's approval rating hitting the floor or the cemetery just outside of Washington DC. (You know, the one our Founding Fathers are in. They think that they all turned over in their graves.

   everybody stop complaining, just imagine how many bars of soap were dropped in prisons all up the east coast

   Surprised someone hasn't capitalized on a workout video for these sign holders.