Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It took losing you to find me though it would have taken finding me to keep me from losing you.

   Son: Dad can I go to a 50 Cent concert? Dad: Here's $1, take your sister with you.

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   Earthquakes, The number 1 cause of all Facebook updates.

   I dont know what you're doing, but I'm watching Fox News waiting for them to find a way to blame Obama for the earthquake...

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   It's only insulting when you don't have a sense of humor.

   Damn Earthquake made me spill my tea, and I'm a 1000 miles away.. I'm available for interviews ; )

   I was on the toilet droppin a deuce, and thought it was epic until CNN had to ruin my personal high with their eathquake kill joy!

   so east coast wasnt suppose to get a slip in the fault for another few hundred years.. the world is coming to an end now. earthquakes=funtimes

   Did anyone else feel that? Oprah must be fat again

   I think Haiti should send Washington money for the next 19 months now!

   in support of our brothers and sisters who just experienced the earthquake on the east coast, I think all west coasters should have the rest of the day off!!!

   feel so dissed the earthquake missed me. anyone else wanna rock my world?

   There was just a 5.8 earthquake in Washington. Obama wanted it to be 3.4, but the Republicans wanted 5.8, so he compromised.

   You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

   Life is what you make it! I made it into a bottle of booze and chugged the whole bottle in one sitting and then threw the bottle at a tree.