Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.

   Great news! I'm declaring a national strike. Nobody go to work.

   Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

   Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!

   She asked me how to spell slut. So I helped her spell her name.

   I hate people who say, “Talk to me I am bored”. STFU, do I look like I was put on this planet to entertain you?

   I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.

   I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/

   Just walk up to a blonde and tell her to say "Alpha kenny Body" really fast.

   It's too bad that everyone that has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the Internet.

   Dr. Phil is human garbage and he should have hot sauce poured into every orfice of his body, then be given an ice cold shower and forced to stay in it for a couple hours.

   still think that Carlos Santana looks exactly like Muammar Gaddafi...Carlos Santana better be laying low for a while until this whole thing settles down

   They call her “SWITCH” because anyone can turn her on.

   "XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"-Pierce Morgan

   I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have also bought jewelry.

   The GOP slams Obama's Martha's Vineyard vacation. They'd denounce it from the floor of Congress, but they're all on vacation...

   And now, for my amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee!! Tune in later for world domination....after the laundrys done ;)

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am going to assume you are one ugly puppy with extreme low self esteem.

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

   A new study says the Internet is as addictive as cigarettes & booze. But every blog that I've read for the last 8 hours straight disagrees