Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian might be the first time in history that the roles have been reversed and a ball player has trapped a hoe.

   Women use their purses as a way to "mark" their territory while shoppin. They make us men hold their purses . I don't care if your Arnold Schwarzenegger, you look like a doofus holding your wifes purse outside a Fashion Barn dressing room.

   The bum economy has sent gold prices sky rocketing....It's so high that an angry flash mob looted Mr. T!

   i dont know why but everytime someone starts a conversation with "this one time" my brain automatically says "at band camp"

   Remember , the Grass is not always Greener on the other side!!! Unless your neighbors are"Cheech & Chong"

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   Going to a chain bookstore and finding all the books on lower back pain on the bottom shelf is most likely result of hiring college grads with degrees like "Art History" and only paying them minimum wage.

   Common sense Nursing is knowing that you should never take a laxative when you have a bad cough.

   Most men would never agree to marriage if they knew how rare it was to mate in captivity.

   I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.

   Donald and Daisy Duck must have a romantic passionate marriage. No one "wears the pants' in the relationship. Matter of fact I've never known them to wear any pants at all! Wow the secret to a passionate marriage must be "no pants."

   People always talk bout hard work, but you can work hard your whole life and not get anywhere...take my advice, work smart, not hard

   my "sleep number" is a 12.....pack

   When I go to Popeye's I always order "the Kardashian"....a box full of dark meat.

   Things I love like a fat kid loves cake - 1. titties 2. cake.

   Porn videos that load slowly should say 'muffering.'

   Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me from knocking my kids' teeth out is not having dental insurance.

   Ok, fine. I'll admit it. Most of the time when I'm in the bathroom, I'm hiding out from my kids.

   expecting the unexpected...so now the unexpected is expected thus, I am expecting the expected.. unexpectedly. ..

   watching a Blade movie marathon and began to wonder; where did all these vampires learn there martial arts? What after-hours karate school do they go too?