Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever noticed after reading some peoples notices that they are just trying to get noticed. I also noticed that no one sends them a notice that their notice wasn't worth noticing.

   Comic book fans are enraged that Superman's new costume no longer has his underwear on the outside. The only guy who is happy about this is his Dry Cleaner. He knows poop stains which require kryptonite to remove are a serious pain in the a$$!

   I've decided that my years of experience as a Nurse will help me become a millionaire. I've designed a new adult diaper which is as comfortable as a huggie and is made from Sham Wow fabric. I'm calling it "The Sham Pooey".

   Was in the public rest room - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"... Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?"... Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?"

   Love one, forget many.Do many, remember one.

   If smart phones were so smart they'd figure out a way to last longer than four hours.

   If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.

   If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of vodka and not a milk carton, because then I know for sure that my friends will remember to look for me!

   All my Wargaming Buddies need to keep this in mind: The game is just ga without me..

   Now remember, in a romantic passionate marriage no one wears the pants.

   After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.

   Single women are the reason women are single

   I'm better than most people. Even in the small things. Like when I use a Public Toilet I can easily ascertain that I'm better than 95% of the people who've been there because I know how to flush properlly.

   I'm not saying Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are talentless and incapable of attracting faithful fans. What I'm saying is that most of those fans still live in Grandma's Basement and keep the great American product KY Jelly in steady production.

   Celebrities of old had talent and class! Why then are the likes of the Kardashians and Hiltons considered celebrities when they have neither?

   If she listens to lil wayne, she to young for you bro

   The most beautiful people are the ones who do not have the intention to look good but end up accidentally looking good.

   Everybody has that one person who always catches you doing weird stuff.

   'I love having sex with you' doesn't mean, 'I'm only having sex with you'

   I want my tombstone to say "Watch where your standing... that hurts!"