Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It makes no sense to commit yourself in a relationship if you still expect to have single people's privileges.

   When are Korn and Hole going to tour together?

   Don't get mad when I don't do what you would have done, your rules don't apply to everyone else.

   Please don't try my patience. I already tried it and it doesn't work.

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   Okay you fly-by-sunday christians, you can go back to sinning now that sunday is over.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   Instead of Red Eye Reduction on camera's why can't they make one with double chin reduction? You can put a man on the moon, but....sheesh.

   Everything funny has already been said. The End.

   you've seen the cover of my book but you havent read my story

   it wrong to be this excited about Paranormal Activity 3 coming out in October? Well if it is, then I don't want to be right

   have you ever drank a milkshake so fast that your brain tells you to kill Ed Asner?... uh yeah, me neither

   Are they selling Tapout shirts by the pound now? That, or all these chubby kids in the mall actually ARE cage fighters...

   Anything unrelated to elephants is irrELEPHANT

   why are most king-size comforters so ugly? My bed is not an obese woman in need of a flowered, polyester muumuu.

   I'm at the Dentist. He looks in my mouth and says, "Holy smoke! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!" I said, "I heard you the first time, Doc, sheesh." He goes, "That was an echo."

   My Uncle always told me our side of the family had Irish Alzhiemers , That's where you forget everything but the grudge

   Good thing these facebook pokes are cyber based. If they were real and unprotected, I wouldn't have a family, I'd have a city.

   Once again, its time for me to break my foot off in your 'John-Browne Hine-Parts'. (Not sure what that means...heard it in 'Remember the Titans'....it sounds scary tho!!!)

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.