Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder what it is that I did to get reincarnated as me.

   I'm sick of having to capitalize "I." Whoever made up that rule sucks!

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up and beep so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have run out of power so quickly!

   Just watched a porn parody of Paranormal Activity. I was scared stiff.

   Wanted: Friend with benefit. I'm not selfish, you don't even have to enjoy it!

   I have seen a lot of women post on their Facebook about how they are missing their men, but I am yet to see a guy update his status about how much he is missing his woman. So my question is which men are these women missing?

   I miss those 16.9 oz glass soda bottles this time of year.

   I think the Eagles would sign Casey Anthony to a contract if they could......

   If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!

   Smartphones & PC's... iPhones are as popular as Windows PC's and Androids are as popular as Apple MAC's... Technological Karma :s

   So damn bored and sleepy at work. Sunday should be national holiday for everyone period. The only places needs to stay open should be Walmart and the clubs.

   All I ask of Thee, Lord, is to be a drinker and fornicator, an unbeliever and a sodomite and then to die.

   Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

   Life and Wife are two words that rhyme, but if you have one, you can't have the other!

   It's funny how in pre-school, siting boy-girl-boy-girl used to be a punishment.

   Seriously, it's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.

   “Final Destination 5" well, looks like someone needs to look up the meaning of the word "FINAL"

   The best things in life aren't free, they're 16 bucks a case and either 60 bucks at the cat house or the cost of room and board at home.

   21 Minutes of battery life left. "That's enough time for me to finish what I am doing" 6 Minutes Later: Laptop Shuts Down "You piece of sh*t! You lied to me!"

   GRUMPY OLD MAN "You need to pick up after your dog!!" ME "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up… be my guest"