Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am thinking people with Bulimia like KFC because it comes with a bucket!

   I hear that if congress can reach a deal on the US debt ceiling, that Obama will be given a 2nd nobel peace prize for no reason at all

   They began filming the new Batman movie here in Pittsburgh. This is going to be great!! In this one, he gets caught by the bad guys and the Gotham Police…Damn road construction!!

   I believe I've just serendipitously solved the world's energy crisis. They need to start using English Muffins as insulation. Those things retain heat for an eternity after they pop out of the toaster. (I didn't need these fingertips anyway.)

   SHREK is the best fairytale ever, it gives ugly guys hope and teaches them that you don't always have to be the most handsome to get the girl and live happily ever after.

   Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school… or did they?

   The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.

   Still haven't figured out how to inflate a balloon with farts. Still no way I'm gonna stop trying.

   "This pu55y won't eat itself!" "Actually, those leggings are proving otherwise."

   People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.

   I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter

   Saying "cool" also means, I don't give a sh!t.

   "I don't care if it takes 10 years, a war and trillions of dollars, I will find you." - Me about figuring out who unfriended me on Facebook.

   I am so bored I'm logging in and out of facebook for entertainment!

   Its a stank fishy smell in the air...the prostitutes must be overheating

   told his mum that the screaming coming from the tv was in fact tennis players grunting when hitting the ball...Don't think she fell for it!

   have you ever noticed that "lol" looks like some guy frantically waving his hands in the air?

   a drinking problem...I can't afford it

   A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

   my mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-b*tch"