Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.

   We let you do whatever you want. Otherwise, why the hell would you ever come here?? - Nevada's State Motto

   TRUE STORY: I got 99 chargers but my phone aint 1

   I find it astonishing I can remember every wordto Wild Wild West by Will Smith, which I haven't heard in 10 years, but can't find my keys

   OMG! Anyone know the number of the water treatment plant? I need to let em know I just sent something their way that is going to cause trouble when it gets there....Lordy Lordy Lordy!

   ..after reading the side effects – pale stools, facial tics, constipation, sore throat, hives, chest pain & mouth sores – for erectile dysfunction pills, I've come to a rational conclusion: It's totally worth it.

   Why do they call it a Flash Mob when no one gets naked?

   Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.

   on a new diet.. eat what a caveman would eat... the "Paleo Diet".. I like it... but where do I find fresh dinosaur? :)

   I feel like I'm livin out the movie friday in this damn recession.... Got cereal, no milk.. Got ham, no bread... Got koolaid, no sugar FML

   Gym Trainer 2 me : No pain no Gain So I kicked him in his nuts...n said "Now wonder what you gonna Gain from this Pain" :P

   Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   Condoms are like going to a music concert with cotton buds in your ears.

   You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you....

   Apple currently has more money on their balance sheet than the Federal Government........

   Police call it "reckless driving", we call it "skills

   The Hardest Desicion of Our Childhood: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.

   says ok I ll admit It, I am a pervert . Now stop going on about it and grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   Why is it that married, engaged and other supposedly “taken” women flirt much more than single women? Are they damn greedy or they just want to enjoy the best of both worlds?

   SINGLE= Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday