Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, I'm tweeting from inside a car wash! I wonder if my phone will still work if I roll down the win

   Swords would be a lot less cool if we pronounced the "w."

   Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money

   If smart phone are so smart then why won't it do my laundry?

   I just saw a guy wipe ketchup off his girlfriend's moustache in McDonald's. And they say romance is dead.

   I'm opening a shelter for battered onion rings.

   I'm not sure I want Friends with Benefits. Can I just have the Benefits? We'll figure out the Friend thing later.

   "I can feel it coming in the heir tonight" - Phil Collins having sex with Paris Hilton

   don't attempt to speak a language you can't speak. Going to a market in my 1st night in Spain saying "Quiero polla" instead of "Quiero pollo" was one great lesson! Just 1 letter made the difference-I wanted to say "I want chicken" but said "I want d*ck"!

   People who use the phrase, "I won't mention any names, but they know who they are," probably don't get punched often enough.

   doesn't think a remake of the Wizard of Oz would be good. If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brain, heart, or courage today she would be in congress.

   In my opinion, nothing says "mentally I'll and proud of it" like stuffed animals in your car window.

   I had my DNA analyzed. It came back with four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy

   Biggest slut alive? Ms pacman. For a quarter she will swallow balls until she dies.

   what did the egg say to the boiling water? "it might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick!"

   Hey, did you have a good time last night? It was Smurf-tacular! Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. As we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. Shut the Smurf up! Yeah! Right in the Smurfing parking lot? Smurf-Yeah! Oh! That is freaking Smurf

   since it's the thought that counts.. I'll keep thinking about exercising.

   If you trip in public, just strtch out your arms and legs, move them back and forth across the ground, and claim you are making dirt angels.

   Mosquito is the Spanish word for "little Islamic house of worship."

   It's a shame the guy who invented the wheel didn't make a fortune from his invention, but the guy who invented Wheel of Fortune did.