Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   changing my iPhone signature to say, Sent from my bathroom.

   Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.

   You know your drunk when you get home from the bar, then grab and throw your hamster yelling "go pikachu!"

   I wish relationships were Mon-Fri, 9-5 that way id have my nights and weekends free

   From now on if you type, LOL you should have to submit a video proving it.

   Im still waiting for customer service but Ive exhausted all my dance moves to their hold music, now damn what?

   Went to Wendy's the other day, after seeing their new dollar menu, I have to ask "Where's the Beef"?????

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting we

   When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press that share button.

   welfare and/or food stamps with no intentions of ever working; and 535 useless people in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!!

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting

   Old: Can I buy you a drink? New : I'll give you fourteen dollars for your phone number.

   Weddings in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   Fine dont text me back then. Its not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything

   My mother called Information. While I'm sitting here with my laptop, she called Information. Even the Amish dont call information anymore

   If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.

   Watching Conan O'Brian and thinking he should hire some of us as staff writers.

   the creepiest thing is meeting someone new and adding them on facebook, only to find they are already on youre facebook.

   If at first you don't succeed, I'm still waiting for you...

   I always watch the credits at the end of a movie just to see if there's a chance I got drunk and stumbled onto the set.