Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lot of people constantly complain about Monday's, Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the worst part of the week, I have discovered that with the right mix of Jack Daniels and sleeping pills those days no longer have to happen.

   You can't win. I'm better at this than you are.

   The best things in life are free……for the first 90 days.

   Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.

   house shoes...check....pajama bottoms...check....tank tops with no bra....check....Yep, I'm at Wal-Mart!

   Hot weather drinking tip: Consume a fist full of aspirin, down a bottle of vodka and go stand out in the sun for about seven hours. Its fun

   Sometimes I talk to a strangers like we're old friends and then hope that they walk away thinking "Where the hell do I know that guy from?"

   Well, Just crossed something else off my bucket list. I didn't do it I just got to damn old to do it.

   I just found out that a married couple I know share the same birthday with each other. I said "WOW, Twins!". They said "Uh, nooo..." I said, "Then why are your kids so stupid?"

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.

   They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   I downloaded the sound of a toilet flushing and made it my ex's ringtone to remind me what a piece of s@#T he is.

   I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.