Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you don't want to be a full time daddy put that thing on your pants

   I find it ironic that the Chase Freedom commercial features a guy who keeps getting caught in a metal detector

   Dream: Own a beer company named responsibly. Then all the other beer companies do my advertising for me.

   with your looks and my brains, we could totally win a sports radio trivia contest.

   i think I am going to go plank on my couch...i'll upload pics later

   I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

   "I laughed, I cried, then laughed, then cried, then laughed, then cried..." -Early reviews for 'The Bi-Polar Express'

   The bar was closed when I got there with a sign that said, “The door is alarmed.” I said to myself, “How do you think I feel?”

   Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.

   Her eyes were like diamonds, so shiny and bright. But her teeth were like stars... they come out every night.

   "No comment" usually translates into "Oh, if you only knew."

   There is never a GOOD way to say BYE.

   Dear ladies. I know you are "twice the woman", but that doesn't mean you have to wear twice the swimsuit...A one-piece will do much better

   When offering an apology, if you include buts... and excuses it kind of negates the apology... What do you think?

   My Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.

   Ladies, it's not that there are no good men out there. It's just that you turned down 6 of em that wanted a chance to treat you right and you chose the a$$hole.

   Took a laxative and drank a Red Bull. Sitting on the toilet waiting for launch!

   I can't believe this is the last Harry Potter movie. It's the end of an era. Who knows, maybe someone will turn it into a book.

   I'm all for getting stuff done, but forgetting lunch is where I draw the line.

   Marriage is not a word, its a sentence, a life sentence.