Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even fire will break out in a sweat in this weather and then put itself out.

   Sometimes I want to send animal crackers to PETA..... half eaten

   I like to keep confetti in my underwear. That way when a girl gets there she knows its party time!

   Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut and still think they're sexy...

   I have a stable job but women leave right after I tell them how hard it is dealing with horses

   Dear "LOL".....Thanks for helping me make people think their jokes were funny.

   I may have opened the door, but you entered of your own free will.

   A rich girl on a safari tour in South Africa saw a crocodile for the first time.... and screamed, Oh my God! LACOSTE

   If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs

   well America looks like you can kill little girls and get away with it these days...Who wants to track down Bieber with me?

   I like to write out my self-worth in roman numerals. It looks so much more impressive.

   Remember, if you don't sin Jesus died for nothing

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

   I tell people secrets, it makes them like me.

   Dear Enemies, I have so much more for you to be mad about. Just be patient.

   someone accused me of being patronizing! that means I treat people like their stupid.

   Too many funerals and not enough graduations. Too many baby showers, not enough weddings.

   Don't you dare come back running to me when you get treated the exact same way you treated me.

   Whenever I see a fat kid walking I think to myself "why walk when you could just roll"?