Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It must be "National Beat Up Your Co-Worker Day" cause I've got the urge to walk across the hall and enjoy my holiday.

   It's so hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in Gatorade!(get ur mind outta the gutter not those kinda nuts)

   I like to do my ATM transactions in Spanish, ‘cause then it feels like a bigger deal when the money comes out.

   I always put eggs in a ziplock bag before I crack them open in case a chicken darts out.

   Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.

   Follow Does this Dress make me look cross-dresserish?

   I am going to only talk like a gangster from the 1940s starting right now. See?

   In the movie of life, I am my own stunt double.

   i like to fast forward through menopause commercials

   Does the plus sign mean Google tested positive for Facebook?

   men, take care of your wives. Cause if you dont there are plenty of guys that will.

   everything your not

   5.Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

   Tall girl & Short guy = Awkward. Tall girl & Tall guy = Cute. Short girl & Tall guy = Adorable. Short girl & Short guy = AWW.

   Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

   Pretending to care about what the birthday card says, but you really just want the money.

   Laugh at your problems, everybody else does

   Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   I really dont get the need for these giant 24 hour combination superstores. I have never in the middle of the night decided I just had to have a chainsaw, bicycle helmet and whipped cream.... wait... I take that back....

   God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.