Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.

   Someday I hope to live in a city where the police DUI checkpoiints allow style points.

   My girlfriend goes out and buys me 12 underwear of the same color. I said, "Why in the hell did you buy all of them in the same color? People will think I never change them." My girlfriend: Which people? :\

   If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!

   Admit it, once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed.

   I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!

   A dog made out of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.

   This week is Nude Recreation Week, in related news today is Cheer Up The Lonely Day and World Population Day. I think this is an excellent combination because if you play it right you can celebrate all 3 at one time!

   Most of the people in our generation are stupid because we had to grow up watching Elmo.

   I joke around a lot .... but when I'm serious I'm serious cuz seriousness is the serious way to deal with serious seriosities seriositating in the seriousosphere. Seriously.

   When some of these big girls wear them high heels, they should also put a warning sign thats says; "CAUTION: ABNORMAL LOAD"

   Thank you: hard shell tacos, for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking the the moment I put something inside you.

   I read a caption in the paper the other day. The caption read, "In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger." How the hell do they know how fast I read? I had to read it again. I killed 40 f*cking people.

   every time I see a mattress strapped to the top of a car I think its a prosty making house calls.

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store

   You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?

   I'm not sure what lesbians like better about sex with a woman instead of a man, but I wish they would describe it to me in great detail.

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   I think I'm gonna start texting random numbers saying "OMG, I JUST SAW YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!"