Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   I miss the 80's. The temperatures, not the decade.

   I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had saw it & apparently, she left me yesterday?!

   I don't always watch porn... but when I do... I prefer Tres Equis... Stay horny my friends...

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass

   I want to go to prison....I hear the exercise program there is AWESOME!!!

   Microwave popcorn...my own personal fireworks noise.

   Let the fireworks begin!!!

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is damn bacteria.

   Because of the poor economy, we couldn't afford fireworks.  The only snap, crackle, and pop at our house yesterday was when I poured milk on a bowl of Rice Krispies.

   Okay, I haven't seen a damn spider around here in like three days...What the hell are they planning??

   The two favorite buttons I LOVE on Facebook: "Hide all posts from this person" and "Hide friend request".

   We used to be the same person... Who tho hell are you?

   "I wasn't that Drunk.." "Dude, you threw a bird at the police and screamed go angry bird kill those pigs!"

   Constitution signed [X] Morons taking over and ruining it [X] ... We gotta fix this country.

   I like watching hoarders...it makes my house look clean

   oh mr bean burrito, why do you hate me so?

   DUDE I WASN'T THAT DRUNK! Dude, you were shaking pineapples yelling "Spongebob, I know you're in there!"

   Unwritten Facebook rule #5 : If that person isn't in the photo, don't tag them.

   We could learn from crayons. Some are sharp, some dull, some pretty, some have weird names, and all are different colours... but they all live in the same box.