Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw the tums commercial with the corn dog smacking the guy in the face. It would be much better if it was the girl getting smacked with the corn dog.

   Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!

   When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide

   Alcohol may be my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy....

   All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to purr-gatory.

   I wish I could talk like fez from the 70 show. "good day, I said good day

   Facebook is worth $100 billion. That's just in lost productivity.

   there a mouse that doesn't make a clicking noise as I'm trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?

   College was the most expensive nap I ever took.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

   MySpace and Facebook got a divorce... Looks like Facebook got custody of all the kids.

   The Weird moment when somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at.

   If girls could read my mind, I'd would get punched in the face a lot.

   Just found out "suns" upside down is still "suns"

   Ale-Ale-Andro, Judas, Juda-ah-ah, Pa-Pa-Pa-Pokerface, Te-Te-Te-Telephone... I think lady gaga has a studdering problem.

   I like going to McDonald's and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell "HA! Like I'd work here. Get me a chocolate shake."

   Plan A doesn't work in your love life, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I hate when people say like, "I gotta get my body right for this summer like exercises and tan." ok fine...like, wtf are you going to do about your damn face???

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt?...bet you're wondering now.

   I know what love is..Thats like someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a damn cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.