Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People like to talk about other people....it diverts the attention away from them.

   DEAR HATERS, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT....'awesome' ends with "me"and 'ugly' starts with "u"

   Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?

   When will women ever learn? If I pay all your bills, put a roof over your head, make sure you are well fed and dressed, buy you a car so you can move around, then the term INDEPENDENT WOMAN does not apply to you. I am your majority shareholder.

   i still dont know what a holler-back girl is >.<

   I wish someone would cast Mel Gibson and Tracy Morgan in a buddy action flick about a crime fighting rabbi and a drag queen.

   My lungs and liver are the best of friends when I'm at the bars

   Don't confuse Facebook with your diary. We really don't need to know some of your personal sh*t.

   60% of women carry condoms. The other 40% carry babies.

   Ladies, please for god's sake, there is a big difference between your diary entries and Facebook status updates. We really dont need to be informed about your period, your abortions or that STD you caught over the weekend. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   You are like Monday...nobody likes you!

   It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a strong belief in your ability to f*ck up!

   God made your butt Crack up and down because if it were sideways when you went down a slide it would sound like this bufufufufufufufuublubufubufbufbufbuf

   You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hangin from your mirror

   dude your eyes are red are you stoned? no it's my allergies. what are you allergic to? Weed.

   called in sick today. Manager asked why? Doctor said I have Anal Blindness. Manager asked what's that? It's where I can't see my ass coming in to work today!

   A little girl walk pass her parents room, look in the key hole & says to her self "AND THIS BTCH GETS MAD BECAUSE I SUCK MY THUMB.!

   Spell "IHOP" and say "ness" at the end

   I walked passed the fridge earlier an thought I heard the BeeGees, when I opened the door it was only a chive talking.

   How long before a gator eats somebody on that show called Swamp People? "Choot 'em, Clint, Choot 'em!"