Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finally its Jail for Whitey Bulger, brings a new meaning to tighty Whitey

   You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster

   Its impossible to say the word "ironic" without some idiot saying "don't ya think"...Thanks a lot Alanis Morissette

   There's not many things more awkward than telling a guy with a rebel flag t-shirt you're from Gettysburg, Pa

   My phone is smarter than you.

   Live once. Regret nothing. Rewrite destiny.. nothing is written in stone. Nothing. Love your life the way you need to, not the way your told too.

   Dear George Clooney, I see you finally took my advice & broke up with that floozie, Elisabetta. Now you & I can get on with what is meant to be-US! You have my number, I left it for you on millions of texts,emails& letters. Pick up the phone, it's ok dear

   Stick a fork in him, he's Dunn..

   Watching the Today show. I noticed I could'nt understand what was being said. Thought It was me then I realized... That's how Willard Scott talks now.

   Omg there is high definition paint? People will believe anything. Well I just invented hd crayons, for the low price of 59.99 a box you can watch you drawings pop off the paper.. Idiots

   It's just another day in down turn economy with a rising unemployment rate....but other than that it's paradise...

   did you know President George W. Bush and Playboy founder Hugh Hefner are cousins!

   Man Rule #1........never start a conversation with a stranger while at a urinal

   How can a guy think he looks cool in pink shorts.

   The easiset way to tell if a friend is trying to set you up with an ugly person.....when they say....."but they are a good person"

   I don't LOL as much as I lead people to believe I do...

   Only when they're in a fix and in need your help do they come to you all sweet and humble. I won't buy that sh*t. Fu*k you and your problems.

   Life is like a sports car: It goes too fast, and it costs too much

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD

   I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.