Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   I wonder if we're "homed people" to them...

   I like to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk and announce the next day that my account was hacked.

   Next time you use the bathroom, take your pants off, hang them over the side of the stall and randomly shout out "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" Let people know you mean business!

   I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.

   I don't see anything wrong with walking around my house naked. My neighbors however, keep yelling at me to go back inside. HATERS!!!

   I wonder if they have a minute of silence at a mime's funeral?

   Every time I see these college/university commercials on TV, the my brain just keeps screaming (SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAAAAAAM!)

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

   Wow, I just heard Lady GaGa has hired people to find the remains of Bin Laden, she needs somthing to wear in her next video

   I felt special… until I saw you talk to every other guy like that.

   Dear Google,Please Dont tempt me to watch the lunar eclipse online ... My Stars are against it :|

   I'll give Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries two Months at the most ...you can't turn a hoe into a house wife .

   I need to either get a new air conditioner or move into my refrigerator.

   A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up.

   I would have emailed sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

   If you refuse to argue, you automatically win the argument.

   Really listened to "Freebird" last night. The guy is a bird you can't change. He's an unchangeable bird. And there's a guitar solo. Classic.

   Doesn't feel bad for Hugh Hefner one bit and never will.