Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a waitress says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into her eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."

   The paper shredder will shred Pop-Tarts! I repeat: THE PAPER SHREDDER WILL SHRED POP TARTS!

   Just had 2 thoughts during my massage. 1.I hope my body is not in an odd position when I die. 2.I don't think I've ever seen a live otter."

   Apparently, people go to "sex rehab" because there isn't a "got busted being stupid" rehab!

   What's all this about Lebron being a Weiner?

   Having kids is like a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next." "No, you can't really fly - next."

   ► Play the moments ▌▌ Pause the memories ■ Stop the pain ◄◄ Rewind the happiness. Be a remote in your life

   The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real.

   I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.

   Just learned the hard way not to scream hi to my friend jack on a plane.

   I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.

   Teacher: From all this noise I assume you're done working Student: From all this b**ching I assume you're still single

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   People should STOP complaining about Facebook's privacy settings. If you want some PRIVACY, you should go back to Myspace.

   The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"

   I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.

   Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong

   Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.

   An Arab invented the original mechanical clock, which is odd since Arabs are never on time.

   Why is it that whenever I wish someone a happy birthday they always assume Facebook reminded me? Do you ever think maybe just maybe I care that much to remember the day you were born.