Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits.

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.

   just got a papercut… we'll just see if I recycle this week… stupid tree

   If a guy doesn't turn on the TV first when he sits down next to his woman on the couch, that's a BJ request.

   Do you want to speak to the man in charge or to the woman who knows what's going on?

   I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   apparently there are stupid questions. They're the ones I ask my wife.

   Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.

   If you've ever taken a baby to a movie, please set yourself on fire. Thanks.

   Who needs thr circus when you can go to Walmart. "Our prices are as low as the self esteem of our freaks"

   going to defrag my brain. Process takes 8 to 9 hours. Will be unavailable till reboot is complete..

   on tv shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don't have a box. Should I have a box?

   Anthony Weiner just needs to call Bill Clinton and get advice from a pro.

   - Boobs are a lot like toy trains...they are meant for kids but dads like playing with them too

   Big Boobs makes my ADHD go crazy!

   A lawnmower is like a man. You either have to push it or ride it if you expect to get any work out of it.

   I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   Terrorists are like salmon, life is good until the seals show up