Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found out it was raining by looking outside. WTF, Facebook? You're supposed to tell me these things first!

   The fake laugh you do when you don't understand what somebody just said to you. You're like :D but deep inside you're like o_O

   feels Ripped Off after having bought this book titled "How to Make a Woman Constantly Happy"..... 469 Blank Pages!! :-/

   Today I'm offering my "Tasting Menu" which is where I open the cans that got lost in the back of my cabinet and say, "Here, taste this."

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

   Sometimes I feel like you guys are only my friends for my statuses

   just looked in the mirror and saw your next boyfriend

   i am dating this really sweet homeless chic, she just asked me to move out with her

   have you noticed that when somebody in a movie is told to look out the window they never go to the wrong one?

   I'm old enough to know what's right and wrong, but I'm too young to care.

   Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

   if I knit you a sweater, Computer, will you stop freezing?

   The tv show American Pickers ought to be renamed to American Pickers & Hoarders

   I got a cialis caught in my throat...I've had a stiff neck for 36 hours

   How do you know you've found Lebron James' cell phone? It vibrates and receives calls, but doesn't have a ring!

   tongue effing a hot pocket.........oh wait, is that one of the highly inappropriate status messages that makes christians unfriend me?

   you know you've had too much to drink when you try to fax someone a fruit rollup.

   Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man, fishing's not that hard.

   Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

   man you should have seen this girl walking past me she said " omg your so hot I want you now" if you don't believe me ask Brad Pitt he was behind me.