Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl on Facebook statues : I want a guy that actually give a s**t about me. Guy on comment : I thought about you while I was taking s**t .. does that count ?

   u have twitter?-yes- facebook? -yes- tumblr? -yes- blog?-of course- life? I opened an account but I don't really use it!.

   A second chance doesn't mean anything if you haven't learned from your first mistake.

   The Bible teaches you to love - and the Kamasutra explains how

   I never knew that "never odd or even" is "never odd or even" spelt backwards!

   What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

   I feel like standing across the street facing a nursing home in a grim reaper costume and waving at all the old people I see...

   moving to Sweden where all the guys are smart enough to realize brunettes are way hotter than blondes

   Okay....if you're going to post pictures which include your hot friends, at least tag them!!!

   Teiam, the I is silent. There you go!

   The "problems" in your life can't be that bad if you can update a facebook status... How bad can life be if you have internet access or a cell phone with a data plan.

   When will women ever learn? Never post pictures of yourself and your hotter friend posing together. Especially when she has bigger boobs than you. It will only make you invisible and insignificant.

   I understand the nature of humans, so don't bother me with your pedestrian level of intellect......

   its all shyts and giggles until someone shyts and giggles!!

   That Wiener story just keeps getting bigger and bigger...

   It's gonna be a scorcher..... so I want to be clear here.....SAY NO to sandals and socks....... you have been warned !!!!!

   have you seen the new Hippie doll? wind it up and it doesn't work.

   Pregnancy Test: The magic wand that can make a man disappear.

   For the first hour of work, I've entertained myself by watching my eye worms. I hate when you go to look at them and they run away! Them lil B@stards are quick!

   During a particularly rough storm the other night, local weatherman advised getting into your bathtub, covering yourself with a heavy blanket and wearing a bicycle helmet. I am ONLY watching that channel's news from now on..."