Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jack Kevorkian once said, "The money is okay, but the work is murder."

   Whenever I ride the the bus I always sit with my eyes closed. I hate seeing pregnant, crippled & old women having to stand.

   The White House was saddened by the passing of Dr. Jack Kevorkian, whom it planned to name its first chairman of the ObamaCare Death Panel.

   I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..they're where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE

   Whenever you feel a warm breeze brush against you, that's the kiss I blew to you.

   A tongue may have no bones, but it can break hearts

   Life is a puzzle. Stop trying to place people where they don't fit.

   I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now

   I don't often use violence on my coworkers. But when I do, I prefer the pimp slap. Stay frosty my friends.

   Love her, Respect her, Surprise her, Never lie, Care about her, Text her first, Keep her happy, and make her feel beautiful

   my x says cell ph cause brain cancer,,Another excuse not to talk to me..!!!

   Has come to the conclusion that FB is just like spending time with a woman. As soon as you finally figure her out, she changes.

   I'm dying to hear another Kevorkian joke, can I get an assist? Anyone? Anyone?

   I wonder if the lamestream media has anything better to do today than follow around the crazy lady on the bus or worry about pics of congressmen in their underwear? Focus people! There's real news happening all over the world!

   People keep asking, "Should Palin run?" YES! She should run back to Alaska as fast as her $300,000.00 bus can carry her. Go roam the frozen tundra, Caribou Barbie.

   if I'm getting pulled over by police and I just coveniently pull into a Dunkin Donuts parking lot, can that be considered bribery??..... I'm just say'n.

   Congress decided not to raise the debt ceiling. If China calls, let it go to voicemail

   If you're agruing with an idiot for more than a minute, then there will be two idiots.

   i slept on the couch last night, because when my wife asked me why I go to the gym so much. I'm thinking because I wanna look good if we get divorced was not the correct responce.

   The kids outside my window have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.