Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How the hell do Edward Scissorhands And Freddy Kruger wipe their a@@?

   Can you imagine how much more work women could do Around the house with 4 arms..

   Before sending a text to someone who I barely know I check over it a couple times Because I don't want them to think I'm weird

   My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

   the elevator to success is out of order please use the stairs, one step at a time

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.

   Not that we're getting a lot of rain...but the fish are even complaining now.

   You haven't lived until you've passed through a birth canal.

   Wearing your Oakleys backwards is a stylish way to let people know you're amped about giving them HPV.

   I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

   Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place.

   No sport in this lifetime has ever brought the world together as football... You know, the real kind, not the overcommercialized self nominated world championship superbowl.... FUTBOL!!

   BoyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND. Everything has an END, except family.

   The difference between Obama and Osama is BS.

   Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.

   next time I see a place that says no shirt no shoes no service I'm gunna walk in without pants

   I like that you like my status. Facebook needs a button for that.

   Ignorance is bliss, would explain why I'm so miserable.

   November 8th 2011: Call of Duty: MW3 + Alcohol + Women = A Night to Remember