Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't think too much. You'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

   My phone used to say things like "3 missed calls" and now it says things like "nobody even thought about calling you."

   *Public Service Announcement: YOU CAN NOT find out who saw your profile! Jordan does NOT make high heels! YOU WILL NOT know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter! YOU WILL NOT see pics of Osama Bin Laden's dead body! There are NO free iPads!

   After the Rapture, can I have your car?

   Easiest way out of Jury duty, after the States Attorney tells you he/she has no more questions, thank them for their time, fist pump them and say “ May the force be with you”

   Just winked at myself in a mirror and physically felt the soul leave my body.

   Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of LIberty.

   I'll probably be too drunk to remember the apocalypse

   wondering, can I still use the big stall if my handicap is being emotionally crippled?

   And the Thunder rolls... Right outta the playoffs.

   Apocalypse shopping list: 1. Flame thrower 2. 25 boxes of aluminum foil 3. Pogo stick 4. 3 dozen wind up chattering teeth 5. 20 pounds of Lobster tail (Carman Electra's favorite) 6. 15 cases Grey Goose vodka 7. Strobe light 8. Disco Ball

   I'm in that awkward stage between jail bait and a cougar - Janie

   WALL-MARTIANS... it's worth the trip

   ... Dude, turn it down before your windows fall out.

   headed to check my MYSPACE... (crickets chirping)

   Oprah's LAST LIVE show is happening tonight at the United Center. Rumors have it that amongst giving away Lake Michigan or a house right next to Mt. Rushmore's presidents, she might just be giving away another presidency!

   Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.

   UseI think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster

   The awkward moment when your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again.

   Hollywood is doing another “Mad Max” movie, where gas is so expensive that people steal and kill to get it. It takes place sometime in the future — like this coming July...