Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man this haterade tastes nasty! How can so many people drink this?!

   If sex is the food of love then masturbation must be the snacks between meals.

   has a blind date tonight.... Hoping she likes the smell of chloroform.

   I was listening to you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question...

   Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check... Horny campers, that's easy!

   Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!

   needs a facebook button that says 'stfu already'

   Bleah and Latex Gloves: $10.. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape: $20...Chainsaw: $200 The horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!"

   Would like to rename "obese" to "Dyslexic Anorexia"

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make me think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   They say good things come to those who wait, so it looks like ima be bout an hour late ;)

   I hanker for a hunka, a slab or slice or chunka, I hanker for a hunka cheese. When your get up and go has got up and went......

   I'm not a proctologist...but I know an A**HOLE when I see one

   Ask me about our "blowj*bs for drinks program"

   Cicadas, Crafty LiL critters... I swear they play dead then when you turn away they fix those beady red eyes on your back and can fly just enough to land in your hair! Oh, and they have a death grip, 150 mph blower and they laugh...laugh I tell you!

   3 man code violations to report this week..1) seen a guy drinkin a can a diet pepsi with a straw 2) heard that two guys rode to work together on the same motorcycle 3) seen a guy driving a mini van with a doo rag on

   was thinking with the end of the world coming a week from Saturday now might be a good time to pick up a new Ferrari and have an affair.

   Ashton Kutcher replaces Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.......Sheen's no longer winning is he?

   You will do Great in Two and Half Men 'Ashton Kutcher', but you can never replace Charlie Sheen !!

   Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!