Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice guys finish last, because they make sure their girl come first.

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist,, I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.

   I'm eatin' in a world where i'm considered baked,

   While having sex, a guy says to his wife "Honey, let's do a 68!" to which the wife asks, "68??? What's that?". So the husband replies "You do it to me and I'll owe you one."

   A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

   The recession is so bad, just today I saw a polygamist with only one wife, got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, and watched a truckload of Americans sneaking across the border into Mexico.

   had Homemade Lasagna tonight. The neighbors went to the store and left their back door open

   I saw the new Limited Edition Divorce Barbie on ebay tonight, it comes with all Ken's stuff!

   Do not confuse: 'Patching up things with your girlfriend' and 'Repairing the leaks in your blow-up-dolls"

   pulled over by a cop today, he said: "papers".. so I said: "scissors, I win"

   it safe for white folks to say the n word while doing karaoke ?

   3 girls step on a magic rug that makes you dissapear if you tell a lie. Brunette: I think I'm the prettiest girl in school *poof* Red-head: I think I'm the most popular girl in school *poof* Blonde: I think- *poof*

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   I smash mirrors, walk under ladders, spill salt & cross paths with black cats. Be afraid... be very, very afraid, its Friday the 13th!!!

   It's Friday the 13th! Want to get lucky?

   Rebecca Black - "its friiday, friiday" *Jason Voorhees walks in stabs her in the face and goes home* yeah, Friday the 13th.

   Big shout out to Jason Voorhees! Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight with a lot of love making....Be there or be square!!

   Cha cha cha cha ......... kah kah kah kah kah ............... cha cha cha cha cha ............... kah kah kah kah kah! Mrs. Voorhees the original psycho mom!

   For me to go insane would be such a slight change that I don't think anybody would notice...