Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry about the world coming to an end, it,s already tomorrow in Australia

   Can someone tell me why there is braille on the drive thru ATM machine....Am I missing something here

   I've heard that Apple had to get rid of their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name

   checking in. I'm at a party with some people but not saying where or with whom because if you aren't here, you weren't invited.

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too!

   I JUST GOT LAID THIS MORNING!................ Unfortuanately it was at a 7/11 gas pump :(

   It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

   It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.

   I listed the Federal Government as a dependent on my taxes this year

   "I like big butts and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in an ashtray

   We all have that ONE person we would gladly take back in a second...No matter how much bullsh*t they put us through and hurt us in the past.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."

   I learned 3 things from "Look At Me Now": Chris Brown is getting paper, Busta Rhymes has four tongues, and Lil Wayne doesn't eat sushi

   clear your browsing history and cookies and give yourself as many thumbs up as your want

   Xbox games should come with the warning "Caution! This game could cause temporary Tourette's Syndrome"

   75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Share" button.

   Guys... at what point do they stop being skinny jeans and start being pantyhose?

   100% of my regrets will be when my friends find out exactly where I've been stealing 100% of my statuses. #Faaak!

   There's never a hobo around when you really need your windshield cleaned

   : My neighbours liked my music so much, the called the cops to come and listen.