Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm perfectly sane. Everyone else however is insane and trying to steal my magic bag.

   You should see how fast I can go from hardcore gangsta to Irish folk singer when my ipod jumps from Jay-Z to The Swell Season.

   I sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a mile in my slippers

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Dear hookers & strippers, What is "bring your kid to work" day like? Sincerely, curious

   If Facebook really did have a dislike button.. some serious drama would go down

   Dear Google, You bring up millions of results, if I don't see what I want on the first page, I asume it's not there Sincerely EVERYONE.

   Osama's diary found?  "Dear Diary, Had an OK day hiding here in the compound.  Watched some CNN.  2 of my 3 wives are on the rag, so that's a drag.  Well, that's all for now. Bye, Osama "

   You really don't know a person until you realize they don't know how to spelle

   Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!"

   ...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? ...WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?"

   Mess with me, I'll fight back. Mess with my friends, I'll hurt you. Mess with ones I love, and they'll never be able to identify you."

   The next time you're in Walmart, hide in a clothes rack and when someone is looking through the clothes come out and say "WELCOME TO NARNIA" :)

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   In order to PREVENT SPAM, I ask that you DONT CLICK THE FRIGGIN LINK YOU BONEHEADED TWAT !

   kya chutiyapanti chal rahi hai is site pe..