Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.

   So here I am,at the hospital,in the O.R,with scaple in hand,wishing I hadn't lied on my resume about being a surgen...well here goes nothing!

   When I was little, I wanted to be a UPS man when I grew up because they get to drive around all day with no doors. Now I'm really glad my car has doors.

   Facebook blocked at work. 2012 has come much earlier than anticipated.

   Dear Mr. Chip bag thank you for telling me that 23 peices equal one serving. However, I need clarification on the exact size of your standard chip. Perhaps a life size picture on the bag would help.

   I said "Just gimme the usual" to the waitress at a restaurant I've never been to. And now I wait...

   Dear Humans, We have called off the apocalypse after realizing that there are no brains left. Sincerely, Zombies.

   I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.

   I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   I love you so much that there's almost no chance I'd use you as a human shield against a Navy SEAL'S attack.

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn't always write.

   <--still thinks that chick on the Progressive Insurance commercials is HAWT!

   Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.

   Being that we can't see the Bin Ladin Video... can we reroll the Bill an Monica video.

   USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated

   I've found the perfect weight-loss system. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds!

   My status is a virus..DON'T CLICK THE LIKE BUTTON!!!! If you do your computer will freeze and lock up for good. If you click the comment button you will turn into an evil troll who eats humans for dinner. Repost if your a troll so I can run and hide.