Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never wear cologne to an important meeting. I bench an old fridge 10x & let my jungle pheromones show them who's boss.

   We can get a man to the moon, but somehow we can't manufacture the head of a car wash broom to stay on....

   You can tell a lot about a person by how many times they hit re-fresh...

   what would you say if a guy walks in for an interview without a shirt, and I hired him... what would you say?......... he must of had on some really nice pants.

   I bet when the guy who wrote the Seinfeld bass theme is feeling blue, he gets out his bass and plays that riff.

   The only person I'm better than is the person I was yesterday.

   Just gunna stand there and steal my fries...? But thats alright because I love your massive thighs...

   When you get pulled over for speeding say: "Two wrongs don't make a right officer. How fast did you have to go to catch up to me?"

   How do you expect me to respond when you say "oh", "lol" or "ya"?

   your teeth are like the stars - yellow and far away from eachother

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby"

   can make a mean bowl of cereal

   I sure hope the royal divorce is as hyped as the royal wedding.

   I bet she's being a royal pain in the ass right about now.

   Went to Hulu this morning. Front page: The Royal Wedding brought to you by Fancy Fest. God That's perfect

   The person who says he trusts no one should include himself.

   I just gave Gatorade to my neighbor's horse...it's been running in circles for 2 hours

   What do you call nun in a wheel chair.. Virgin Mobile

   If Britain didn't colonize America, Americans would be sat in wig-wams speaking Spanish

   YOU Can't even Understand Normal Thinking