Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm glad Facebook will never tell you, "Not tonight I have a headache!"

   The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   Free speech is guaranteed under the U.S constitution. Intelligence is not. Just watch the news.

   wondering,What ever happened to those scientists who said pot kills brain cells?

   I can't believe UPS stole the "What can brown do for you?" slogan from Ex-Lax. Ain't that some sh*t?

   I'm getting my days events mixed up - Good Friday, Earth Day, Birthdays...I just sent someone a "Good Happy Irthday" message :S

   Ok let me see if I have this straight. When counting calories, if you forget to write them down, you don't have to count them, right?

   If the Easter Bunny leaves you Jelly Beans, don't eat the brown ones.

   What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

   So 'Lol' has become the new , 'Yep I have nothing to say'

   Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson should get hitched... Just sayin.

   I have a truck, shovel and a map, I dare you to keep pissing me off.

   If they weren't meant to be used to get attention, God would've put boobs in a different place.

   It would have been a more believable story if Jesus had died on a Monday and then rose again on a Saturday, just like I do every week.

   Its times like these that makes me wish I had that BUDWEISER app for my Iphone

   If the bank wanted the security picture on the front of my debit card to be accurate for my account, they would've let me frown.

   What prescription was Peter on that caused cotton tail? I've had cotton mouth, but can't even imagine having a parched behind. Poor Peter.

   Driving down the road I saw a person hitch hiking, the sign read "Heaven Bound". Me being the good person I am, I hit that person, I hope they made it!

   When you poke someone on facebook, where exactly are you supposed to be poking them ?

   Have you noticed in movies they ask someone wearing a mask "who are you?"