Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when my girlfriend says stop when having sex, thats when it's Hammer Time

   Dude, I'm not asking you to know pi to the 50th place, I'm asking you to know who's got right of way at a damn intersection!

   You call them "bullies." I call them "crusaders against childhood obesity."

   I was in a Ross' today. Do they always look like they were just hit by an earthquake?

   They say curiosity killed the cat. Which is true, because "curiosity" is also what I nicknamed my shovel.

   Obama is in town. Traffic is bad. I won't be able to vote for him in 2012 because I'll still be sitting in my car.

   This page is meant to be funny, can we please keep religion out of this!!

   I don't want to be everything to everybody, I just wanna be someThing to somebody.

   Left Cocoa Puffs on the Eater Bunnys chair at the mall!

   Whenever I walk into my local coffee shop, I like to pretend I'm an outlaw walking into an old west saloon. They love it!

   I have to give those Subway sandwich artists credit -- their works do look quite a bit like sandwiches.

   NYTimes: If Trump runs in '12, NBC might cancel "Celebrity Apprentice." He just got my vote

   When you start complaining that all your dreams have not come true, you have to realize that not all your nightmares came true either.

   Maury told me "You are Not the father"... That just made my day!

   i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.

   Easter chocolate tastes so much better than normal chocolate...

   Screw Earth Day!! I used to be a planet too.... - Pluto

   thinking dirty the whole day.

   Keep Earth clean. It's not Uranus.

   does anyone else think gas stations should throw in a free tube of ky jelly with every fill up?