Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.

   Non-Smoker - I hate cigarettes...!Smoker - Me too , thats why I am burning it. ! !

   To the redheaded guy on CSI Miami...you're not Clint Eastwood so knock it off!!!

   I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!

   When it comes to kicking someones ass I'm brave but when it comes to telling you how I feel I'm as weak as a toothpic

   Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

   A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

   When life gives you a Grenade, pull the pin and toss it to your EX..

   I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama Bear. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.

   May your friends respect you, your troubles neglect you, your family protect you, and negativity not affect you.

   If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!

   If you don't go after it, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.

   ‎"Mounted in Alaska" ... Prolly coulda come up with a better name for that show.

   Look ahead, not behind and we will find piece of mind. I know you'll find a place to dry my little social butterfly!

   It's 4:19pm gotta minute?

   Pick it, pack it, fire it up come along, and take a hit from the bong

   HAPPY 420 JOKERS SMOKERS AND MIDNIGHT TOKERS!